Thoughts on Fear

Early this morning I took my husband to the airport.  My thoughts about the next 3 days was for him and how hard this trip would be on him.  He was flying to Texas and driving back to Sioux Falls in a 3-day weekend in an old utility truck we had left in Texas.  For financial reasons, I would stay behind. I was used to staying by myself in Texas while he worked in Fargo, so I had no qualms about having a 3-day weekend to myself.  I was actually looking forward to it.

Practicing portraits.

We left for the airport before sunrise. I decided to park and wait until he passed through security to leave. The flight was delayed, so we had a cup of coffee together. As he left to go through security, we kissed and then he said something odd, “We should have gone together.”

We made the decision 2 weeks ago to handle this situation the way we did. We both were used to doing things independently and had lived separately much of the time in the last 2 years. I figure we could handle 3 days. He assured me he could handle the long drive and he had driven that truck from Sioux Falls to Texas once already. The hesitation he had about going alone made me wonder if there was something else I had not thought of that made him worry. I think he probably realized at that point that he was going to miss me more than he thought.  However, for me that statement invoked a little fear.

Jet flying over our apartment.

As I left the airport, I continued thinking about this. Sioux Falls was not my home, yet I was here alone. I had $30 and a quarter tank of gas to get by on for 3 days. I had plans to take pictures, study, watch TV, swim, and attend church on Sunday, all the while keeping the phone handy in case my husband needed something. I read the street signs that lead south and made decisions on the route to take back to our apartment. I knew the city well enough to get around because I have been here a few weeks now. I watched a FedEx plane flying low over the road and landing nearby. What a breathtaking picture that would make! Most times Jeff would go with me on these outings to take pictures. Would I do this alone? Then I realized that my safety net was 15 hours away by car. My security in Texas was built on friends and family close by, a home with familiar surroundings, trusted business contacts, and a familiar routine. I am alone in Sioux Falls with none of this for 3 days. 

Imagine leaving your home suddenly with what only you can carry and a few dollars in your pocket.  You end up in a strange place where you cannot read the signs or talk to anyone because you do not speak the same language. You can never go back to what you consider your home and the things that gave you security and peace for your entire life. Things will never be the same and the future is unsure. Now add to those thoughts that you do not know the status of your family members or that you are older or have health problems. How will you live? You are alone in the universe and relying on only your determination to keep going and the help of strangers. If you are with family members on this journey, it can be a blessing. At least you have each other and another reason to keep going for their sake. 

My grandmother was afraid of many things.  Her every word was reflective of the inner fears she was having for herself and for those she loved.  We would say, “Oh, granny, we’ll be fine.”  Or “You cannot live your life in fear or you will never do anything.” She would have prophetic dreams and call my mother and ask if everything was all right.  There was sometimes merit to her dreams.  She would worry about us being on the road, about the weather even when the sky was clear, about strangers and neighbors. Her fear was greater when she lived alone. We contributed her worry to a tornado she lived through as a young woman and to her debilitating and gradual onset of Parkinson’s.  I marveled as a young kid her claim to belief and knowledge of God and the Bible, but she worried constantly and did not live a normal life. Also, she raised 3 boys on her own. Can you imagine the fear they put into her with their antics as teenagers?  I raised 2 boys with a husband and still had to fight fear of what they would do next and how to keep them on the right path and safe until they were out on their own.  As my grandmother lay on her hospital bed unconscious breathing her last, I know that at last she had found peace.

If I allow myself to ponder over the emotions of being alone and the thoughts of living my life and then dying as if I had never been and the thoughts that we are just particles that return to dust and are no more, I would be afraid. If I allow myself to pretend that it was me that ran for my life when murderous radicals over took our city, or that I had to be alone the rest of my life and make it on my own because I was rejected or overlooked, I would be afraid. If I was in a situation where I could do nothing to change it and I was going to feel much pain, I would be afraid. Loneliness, rejection, the unknown…

I can empathize with anyone that struggles with fear. Everyone struggles with some fear and concerns of varying degrees. However, today the sun has come up!  God knows my fears and is my hope. The world is not so bad where I live and why be concerned over what I cannot change. So today, I pray for my husband’s safety and whatever is his concern and that God will be with him and myself until we are together again and until the end of our time on earth. I pray for peace and safety for the lonely and insecure people in this world who need hope and basic necessities and a place to call home.  Amen.

By the way, I am not alone here in Sioux Falls.
I have my Kitty Baby to keep me company.

Harrisburg Harvest Festival

Me with the 1,400 lb celebrity pumpkin

This last weekend we had an enchanting day at the Harrisburg, 
South Dakota annual Harvest Festival.  

As we drove into the Country Apple Orchard a young man waved us to parking, much like at a county fair. We walked amid mature apple trees of all varieties and planted in neat rows in fields. The apples were in abundance on the ground and on the trees. 

Adults and children were roaming the pumpkin patch looking for just the right pumpkin to take home. It was entertaining to watch little kiddos try to carry a big heavy pumpkin to their wagon. One little boy was so determined to carry it all on his own. One family asked me to take a picture of their family all together with his camera.  As they knelt down to let their toddler sit on the dad's lap, I noticed mommy was holding a small baby, a sweet smiling family of four.

Honey Crisp Apples

The air was filled with the smell of apple spice and kettle corn. We enjoyed goodies from the General Store including a pie wedge full of apple slices and a large moist pumpkin muffin.

Kids were enjoying inflatable slides and bouncers. A lawn tractor pulled children along in make-shift barrel cars like a train ride.  I watched them gleefully climb and slide down large bales of hay and riding the small ponies.  

One of the highlights of the festival was the pumpkin and watermelon judging contests. Half-ton pumpkins and 100 pound watermelons were brought in using low boy trailers and heavy duty trucks.

It was amazing to see all this first hand! I took home
lots of pictures and a large bag of beautiful 
Honey Crisp apples, our favorite kind.

Little Red Wagon of Pumpkins

Creepy hand picking apples.

How to move a big pumpkin...

Need a lift to the pumpkin patch or apple orchard?  This tractor is over 50 years old.

Climbing hay bales - what fun!

All aboard the kiddo express.

Super Blood Moon from Blue Mounds State Park

Panoramic from Blue Mounds State Park getting ready to shoot the moon.  My shadow is in the picture also.

I read that there will not be another Super Blood Moon until the year 2033.  This was a unique time to practice photography and reflect on the significance of this event.  I have seen headlines of supernatural events associated with this time in our history.  While these theories are intriguing, what can I do about it if an apocalypse were to come to pass?  My only thoughts were recording this historical time in pictures, being creative, inquisitive, thankful, and enjoying these moments God provided.  

Trail starts just beyond this tree.
Used my sunglasses as a filter for this shot.

We drove about 45 minutes to Blue Mounds State Park in Minnesota to hike the ridge and discover a spot to take pictures. We brought water, a flashlight, camera equipment, and jackets. The sun was bright, the sky was clear, and the wind was strong, As we entered the hiking trail, a huge tree rustled leaves and swayed with the wind.  The trail was cool green grass with scattered boulders and rocks to the sides.  The ridge was treeless for the most part; just tall grasses and a sky that goes on forever.  After a few minutes, we stopped to admire the distant lakes, corn fields, farm houses, silos, and country roads below us. There was a small quarry from the 1930's. An information post told of its beginnings and history.  The rock was blasted out and shipped to a nearby crushing plant for use on roads and other projects in the local area. Another information post recorded this: 

In 1836, making his way to the Pipestone quarry, George Catlin described the vegetation of the prairie. "There is not a tree or bush to be seen.  The eye may range east and west to a boundless extent over a surface covered with grass.  The grass is green at one's feet but changes to blue in the distance like the blue and vastness of the ocean.  Man feels here, the thrilling sensation of unlimited freedom."

I repeated the words "unlimited freedom", took a deep breath, and looked out across the land imagining what early explorers must have felt when they crossed this way and realizing too that we are explorers ourselves in so many ways.

Farms, cornfields, and lakes from the trail.

The trail is soft grass.

Pipestone quarry.  Our shadows holding hands.

On the other side of the ridge a herd of bison contained by a fence grazed below in an open field.  A woman taking her daily run was silhouetted on the ridge. A rabbit jumped out between rocks as the sun was setting. We set up the tripod and camera on a shelf of flat rock and watched the sun set and the super blood moon appear. We discussed the science of this event, where the little puddles of water came from since we have not had any rain and warnings of the spindly cactus growing along the rock. We took selfies with our remote and tried the popular pose of appearing to hold the moon up in the air with our own hand.

Moon finally comes out after the sun sets below the horizon.

The moon finally appeared as the sun settled under the horizon and it was unusually majestic with an rusty orange glow, effortlessly hanging in the sky.  I practiced taking photos every few seconds with different settings.  I kept having to adjust the tripod because the moon was moving.  Eventually the moon went behind clouds in the darkness creating an eerie night sky.  I saw the beginnings of the eclipse but soon the clouds were too dense to see anything.  We gathered our things and walked by flashlight back to the car avoiding the little water puddles and stumbling hazards.  This was a great evening.

The moon is hard to capture.  A regular small camera only captures a small white dot.  A camera and lens kit such as what I have captures some detail and I was using the far edge of my camera abilities this night.  I feel I am ready for a better, longer reaching lens...  and some more training and practice. Learning and exploring is what makes photography fun.

Ghost at Oxbow Lake

Smaller trail for the adventurous

     Jeff and I decide to take a late evening walk at one of the popular parks in Sioux Falls called Sertoma Park.  As we approach the entrance, an adorable bunny surprises us as it hops around a large tree.  It is a baby bunny and tries to hide by flattening its body against the grass. After admiring this small creature, we continue walking across the road and into the park. Many fireflies light up the trail and woods all around, signaling the approach of darkness.  Perhaps this should be a fast-paced walk. It has been a long time since we have seen so many fireflies.  An eerie feeling comes over me as the trees on the trail hide the daylight. We see smaller trails leading off into the darkness of the woods.  Little fluffy white tufts have fallen from a large old Cottonwood tree nearby covering our path with a wispy film.  The stagnant Oxbow Lake can be seen through the brush.  It has no definite shore and has evaporated and formed areas of mud with critter footprints throughout. 

 “I wonder if there could be ghosts here.” I asked.

Resident Deer at Sertoma Park, Sioux Falls, SD

Jeff smiled and replied, “You know, there is an old Sioux legend about a warrior who wanders these woods looking for his lover.  He died in battle and was never given a proper burial.  So, he appears after sunset making all these trails with his continual roaming.” 

I know Jeff made up this story, but what if there is some mysterious presence lurking in the woods.  It is getting dark and we are not prepared for an overnight stay on the trail or getting lost and the trail seems longer than I thought.  I am the practical one, as you can tell.  We rounded a bend into an open field.  I unexpectedly see two eyes through the dark brush.  I realize we have come upon a deer.  We are so close to it, yet it is not afraid.  The deer wanders over the trail behind us and into the field and continues foraging.  A couple of rabbits hop in front of us and hide in the tall grass. 

We continue our walk and cross over Oxbow Lake on a sturdy wooden bridge.  I see another old Cottonwood tree at one end. Jeff and I begin light playful banter:  “The trail is this way.” “No, the trail goes that way.” “It is not far to the end now.”  “No, we go this way and have to walk all around this field before we are done.”  “That cannot be, you are wrong.”  “We are going to need a flashlight!”  “No, we won’t; we’ll be alright without it.”  “Oh yes, we can use our phones to light the way.”  “We need to conserve the batteries.” 

   

Charming  wooden bridge over Oxbow Lake

Suddenly, dark objects appear in the open field in front of us  Rabbits, lots of rabbits darting away here and there and hiding, except for one huge rabbit standing upright.  I am thinking this must be the old wise one that waits to see if there is a real danger before he abandons his activities.  After all, not many rabbits have been killed in this park as you can tell by their sheer numbers.  Unable to resist, I take off running toward that fat rabbit.  It runs away faster than any of the others.  I chuckle, but ahead there are more rabbits…invasion of the rabbits!  Rabbits might be dangerous in numbers if they decide to attack a human.  Remember, I am the practical one, and I like to plan ahead just in case.

We notice that some canoes are stored by a small pond and discuss how fun it might be to come back and rent one.  However, we see that the canoes are charred and broken and destroyed by fire. “This could be the doing of that restless Indian warrior that wanders the park at night,” I mused. Jeff grins.

Oh! Something touched my ankle!  Before I have a chance to react, it happens again.  I jump away and scream.

“What’s wrong?” Jeff asks concerned. 

“Something touched me!  Something hairy!”

Jeff and I look around to see if rabbits are there.  I look back from where we came and saw a light… no a torch!  I see the Sioux warrior carrying a torch coming towards us on the trail.  Jeff sees that I am distressed and asks again, “What’s wrong?”  I point, but he does not see anything.  I look again…  I do not see anything either.

“Let’s go.  I am getting thirsty.”  Jeff said.  I take another glance back to make sure we are not being followed.  The light fades, the trail becomes more difficult to follow, but we are close to the end.  As we step into familiar surroundings and street lights, Jeff exclaims, “You sure do walk fast!”

NOTE:  Most of this is true.  We did discuss a possible ghost while we were walking as part of our bantering.  Sure made the walk interesting, along with all the wild life and trails. This park has so much to offer that I will post more pictures.  Here is more information:  Sertoma Park, Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Childhood Memory - The fish that got away

When I was a little girl, maybe 10 years old, my dad took our family camping at Sam Rayburn with some of our family’s friends.  The spot we chose to stay for the night was just below the Dam.  I was a day dreamer and explorer.  I soon discovered the huge pile of rocks at one end of our site, and at the other, a maze of gullies that you could walk in and not see the top or the end unless of course you climbed out.  I thought of them as canyons and probably explored every inch.  We did not ask permission because our mother would have said no (she would have been unable to see us).  The same with the rock pile.  It must be dangerous in some way.  I remember thinking about going to the top and sliding down the side.  We would need a garbage lid or mat of some kind.  Not sure if we ever followed through with that.  We should have been on the lookout for snakes, but it faintly crossed our minds.  I remember standing on the banks watching the rushing water as it left the dam locks.  My dad and the other man helped us fish.  I learned to cast way out and reel the line back in.  I did not catch anything.  My dad must have helped me learn this skill.  I remember he was worried about losing the rod and reel if I did not hold on to it when I cast.  I remember trying to stay away from the edge of the bank and not fall in.  It was a long drop into that water.  Oh I could swim all right, but that water terrified me because it was so fast and deep.  Mom and Dad or someone told us not to go there alone.  I remember that.

I suppose it was the adventurer in me.  I went back to the bank looking for everyone.  No one was around.  I really wanted to see if I could cast again and catch a fish this time.  I wanted Dad to be proud of me. I picked up the rod and cast it. It went clear to the other side of the river.  It was amazing!  As suddenly as the line hit the water, there was a heavy tug that almost made me lose my balance.  Before I had time to process this, a huge fish jumped out of the water and back in.  I had one, I had one!  Unbelievable!  However, I could not get it reeled in, the fish was pulling me in.  I yelled for help and no one came.  A moment of truth hit me.  Either I am going to go into that terrifying water or I am going to lose the rod and reel.  Either way, I am dead -- face my parent’s wrath or hold on and hope for the best.  I was terrified of my father’s wrath and disappointment more than anything, so I was probably going to end up in the water.  That was a long drop into a wet oblivion.  About that time, the line snapped and I fell backwards.  Whew!

I backed away and put the rod down where I found it.  Maybe someone can fix the line when they notice it was broke, but I will never tell.  I was in a different mood after that, I was afraid to explore the canyons, climb the rock pile, be around my dad and mom, and afraid to go near the river.   I realized that even though I yelled for help, no one came.  I wondered where my sister and brother were.  Were they safe, were they staying away from the river?  I thought about how sad everyone would feel if I had died.  What a burden for a 10 year old.  That is not the first time I almost drowned.  Looking back, God must have had different plans for me.

Recent rains in Nacogdoches have started a little creek and gully in our yard.

Watching the Foxes

My backyard has become a playground for red foxes.  They live down in the ravine and make their appearance in the mornings and at dusk.  This is the second litter of baby foxes, called kits, I have watched grow up.  I sit on my back porch with a cup of coffee.  I do not move or make a sound so that I can watch the cute kits play and romp gracefully for a little while.  An adult fox, called a dog or vixen depending on whether it is male or female, watches all around for danger and lets the kits play.  Foxes have excellent hearing and can identify and extract critters moving underground.  They adapt well to city or country life because they are good scavengers eating critters, fruit, frogs, fish, earthworms, and food from trash bins.  They use their tail, called a brush as a warm cover in cold weather and for balance.  Originally, I noticed the foxes because one of the adults was standing on the edge of the property making a horrible crying noise in the middle of the night, which I believe had to do with mating.  They can produce 28 different sounds.  I took these pictures one sunny morning with a long lens.

Behind the Gate - Maggie's Story

Maggie looked at me expectantly.  The only thing to do was either pick her up and take her outside or give her food.  She no longer enjoyed to be caressed and loved on for this startled her.  Her food was a mixture of canned food and little crunchy bites, just the way she liked.  She then crawled back into her clean bed and snoozed peacefully for a few hours like a baby with a full belly.  Maggie had been confined to the laundry room by a gate for a while until she was moved to the bathroom, which was a bigger area for her to pace.  Click, click, click, click is what she would do on our laminate floors and tile.  She would pace and pace and start panting.  Why she did this is a mystery.  She woke up 2 or 3 times a night and would bang her head on the gate.  Awakening from my slumber, I picked her up and took her out.  I refused to feed her in the middle of the night; although she would love it if I did.  She was a bottomless pit all her life.  She had already lost her hearing and sight over the last few years. Then, her sense of smell deteriorated. She started defecating just anywhere, sometimes while being held. She had lost control. This is why she was put behind the gate for much of the remainder of her life. She started walking in it and pacing around making a stinking mess that she perhaps was trying to get away from, but because it was now on her paws, she could not.  Thus, she paced and paced and paced.

My routine after this was to pick her up and set her outside.  I gathered floor coverings and used tissue, wipes, and disinfectant cleaners.  Coverings, sheets, and towels used to cover her bed and floor would be run through the sanitize cycle of the washing machine. The floor was disinfected behind the gate - - - all the while checking on her outside to make sure she did not wander off. For you see, one time she was found in the middle of the street a few lots down going toward a street light.  Calling her only caused her to walk more toward the light. I finally caught up to her and gently picked her up and carried her home. The final step to this procedure was to bath or shower her and myself. Before she died, I was doing this entire scenario two and three times a day.

It was Saturday when I decided she was suffering enough.  Was I doing this for myself or for her?  I lacked sleep and had gotten some sort of stomach bug the previous day. I could not leave the house for any length of time because of her needs. I was living for her to be behind the gate.  All my decisions and plans and daily activities revolved around her and the activities that would unfold behind the gate. I made up my mind—I would call the vet on Monday and somehow explain that I wanted to put my dog permanently asleep. I had no tears. I don’t know why.

Jeff brought Maggie to our family in the fall of 1998.  She was the runt of the litter.  My son had requested a dog from his father, and he made it happen.  She was the cutest little floppy-eared red colored weenie, always happy, always hungry, and always chasing rabbits.  She was also very compulsive about critters large and small, about food, and about that big plastic ball.  You could bounce that ball on the cement and she would come out of those woods ready to kill that ball.  It was just too big of a temptation.  It was bigger than her mouth, so she scooted it around like a soccer ball all over the driveway and all in the house.  She never stopped and would be literally dying until we realized she was still trying to kill that ball.  We had to pick it up and hide it so she could recover.  Once she was bitten by a copperhead and had endured a swollen half face for a few days.  Another time, she ate rat poison.  Luckily, Jeff realized what she had done and within 30 minutes a vet was treating her.  She loved to ride in the car or truck with us.  We frequently took her to the lake and to work after our son left home for college.  She loved our cat and they would play chase in the house.  Once I noticed she was missing and looked for her for 4 hours.  We combed the woods by our home afraid an alligator had eaten her because a couple of dogs in our neighborhood had already met with this fate.  After cutting my way through the underbrush, I saw a large muddy hill and a wagging tail from a hole. I called her and it just made her tail wag more.  She was not going to come out.  I dragged her out by her tail. Her eyes were as dark and round as saucers and she was covered in mud and fleas. I was ready to kill her for making me hunt for her for that length of time and have to crawl and cut my way through the brush.

I was her favorite, though.  My husband was jealous of our relationship.  Who knows why Maggie liked me best?  If she was happy with Jeff in a chair and I sat down….she would stir and slowly move away from her happy place with Jeff and cuddle next to my lap.  She loved me more than anyone.

My mother showed up at my door 15 minutes before leaving for the vet.  I honestly forgot she was coming because of my preoccupation with Maggie.  After explaining the situation, she wanted to go with me.  I have seen owners who had put their animals down and were crying.  I was not feeling it.  So this made me feel heartless.  What was wrong with me?

We entered the vet’s office where they began by weighing her, yet again.  “Yes”, I thought to myself, “she is eating, but you don’t know the entire story!”  We entered a private room, similar to the one we have been to before on her many visits over the last couple of years.  Of course, Maggie starts her usual nervous behavior. The doctor checks her and has me sign a release paper. He looked at me with kind knowing eyes and I knew he was not judging me. He listened to us explain what I was going through. We did not have to though.  He knew....he knew we needed to talk and he was prepared to go forward. He explained the procedure of giving her a shot to relax her and then give her the shot that would end her life. After the first shot, I held her. She fell asleep in my arms so peacefully. Oh, how I yearned for this. I needed this moment. She was relaxed and enjoyed me holding her. She trusted me and loved me. With the second injection, I felt the life leave her body. I leaned hard against her head and kissed her, cupping her warm ears and face. I walked out and paid the receptionist, my mother behind me.  As I left the office, I did cry. 

I know my mother was concerned for her daughter and I had to be strong.  I told her I would be ok…  I was just angry!  Angry!  Angry at the way things are!  Angry that there is death!  Angry that I had to be the one to care and get attached to her!  Angry!  Why is there suffering!  Angry that life is not fair!  Anger that spilled over into everything else going on in my life right now!  

Then I realized – this is a breaking point, things are finally breaking loose and things are going to happen to change everything.  I do not know if I will like the changes, but things are not going to be the same.  There is hope for happier times.

I still hear the click, click, click every once in a while.  When I see an open door, I wonder if Maggie slipped out without me knowing, until I realize that is no longer a concern. I have removed the gate keeping her safe and contained in the laundry room.  I let her go.  Lord, thank you for showing me that I did everything I could do, that I am not heartless. Thank you for letting me grieve and figure things out. Thank you for sending my mother to help me bear this burden.

Maggie
9/1/1998 - 6/15/2015

A Return with Heidi Kitty Baby

So I am back.  It has been 2 years since my last post.  The format for using this blog has changed, so I have a learning curve.

So you ask, what have you been doing for 2 years?  All I can say is lots of stuff including exploring, socializing, learning, communing, resting, along with mourning, reflecting, and of course, sleeping.  I hope to look back at pictures and share what I can remember in future entries along with current happenings .

To complete this entry, here is a picture of my cat who is 9 years old.  I just rescued a little black-capped chickadee from her mouth.  She is looking at me with this scowl that says to me "I cannot believe you just did that!  I will never forgive you!  Really?  I cannot believe you just did that! What is your problem????".  It actually took her a few minutes to comprehend and get over this event.  That lucky chickadee!

Heidi, my Kitty Baby