Thoughts on Fear

Early this morning I took my husband to the airport.  My thoughts about the next 3 days was for him and how hard this trip would be on him.  He was flying to Texas and driving back to Sioux Falls in a 3-day weekend in an old utility truck we had left in Texas.  For financial reasons, I would stay behind. I was used to staying by myself in Texas while he worked in Fargo, so I had no qualms about having a 3-day weekend to myself.  I was actually looking forward to it.

Practicing portraits.

We left for the airport before sunrise. I decided to park and wait until he passed through security to leave. The flight was delayed, so we had a cup of coffee together. As he left to go through security, we kissed and then he said something odd, “We should have gone together.”

We made the decision 2 weeks ago to handle this situation the way we did. We both were used to doing things independently and had lived separately much of the time in the last 2 years. I figure we could handle 3 days. He assured me he could handle the long drive and he had driven that truck from Sioux Falls to Texas once already. The hesitation he had about going alone made me wonder if there was something else I had not thought of that made him worry. I think he probably realized at that point that he was going to miss me more than he thought.  However, for me that statement invoked a little fear.

Jet flying over our apartment.

As I left the airport, I continued thinking about this. Sioux Falls was not my home, yet I was here alone. I had $30 and a quarter tank of gas to get by on for 3 days. I had plans to take pictures, study, watch TV, swim, and attend church on Sunday, all the while keeping the phone handy in case my husband needed something. I read the street signs that lead south and made decisions on the route to take back to our apartment. I knew the city well enough to get around because I have been here a few weeks now. I watched a FedEx plane flying low over the road and landing nearby. What a breathtaking picture that would make! Most times Jeff would go with me on these outings to take pictures. Would I do this alone? Then I realized that my safety net was 15 hours away by car. My security in Texas was built on friends and family close by, a home with familiar surroundings, trusted business contacts, and a familiar routine. I am alone in Sioux Falls with none of this for 3 days. 

Imagine leaving your home suddenly with what only you can carry and a few dollars in your pocket.  You end up in a strange place where you cannot read the signs or talk to anyone because you do not speak the same language. You can never go back to what you consider your home and the things that gave you security and peace for your entire life. Things will never be the same and the future is unsure. Now add to those thoughts that you do not know the status of your family members or that you are older or have health problems. How will you live? You are alone in the universe and relying on only your determination to keep going and the help of strangers. If you are with family members on this journey, it can be a blessing. At least you have each other and another reason to keep going for their sake. 

My grandmother was afraid of many things.  Her every word was reflective of the inner fears she was having for herself and for those she loved.  We would say, “Oh, granny, we’ll be fine.”  Or “You cannot live your life in fear or you will never do anything.” She would have prophetic dreams and call my mother and ask if everything was all right.  There was sometimes merit to her dreams.  She would worry about us being on the road, about the weather even when the sky was clear, about strangers and neighbors. Her fear was greater when she lived alone. We contributed her worry to a tornado she lived through as a young woman and to her debilitating and gradual onset of Parkinson’s.  I marveled as a young kid her claim to belief and knowledge of God and the Bible, but she worried constantly and did not live a normal life. Also, she raised 3 boys on her own. Can you imagine the fear they put into her with their antics as teenagers?  I raised 2 boys with a husband and still had to fight fear of what they would do next and how to keep them on the right path and safe until they were out on their own.  As my grandmother lay on her hospital bed unconscious breathing her last, I know that at last she had found peace.

If I allow myself to ponder over the emotions of being alone and the thoughts of living my life and then dying as if I had never been and the thoughts that we are just particles that return to dust and are no more, I would be afraid. If I allow myself to pretend that it was me that ran for my life when murderous radicals over took our city, or that I had to be alone the rest of my life and make it on my own because I was rejected or overlooked, I would be afraid. If I was in a situation where I could do nothing to change it and I was going to feel much pain, I would be afraid. Loneliness, rejection, the unknown…

I can empathize with anyone that struggles with fear. Everyone struggles with some fear and concerns of varying degrees. However, today the sun has come up!  God knows my fears and is my hope. The world is not so bad where I live and why be concerned over what I cannot change. So today, I pray for my husband’s safety and whatever is his concern and that God will be with him and myself until we are together again and until the end of our time on earth. I pray for peace and safety for the lonely and insecure people in this world who need hope and basic necessities and a place to call home.  Amen.

By the way, I am not alone here in Sioux Falls.
I have my Kitty Baby to keep me company.